Expectations

I'm guessing that a big part of my struggles with having my family here (aside from them being insane,) was my expectations of how things would go post surgery.

For starters, I'd spoken to a man who had had this particular surgery done several years back a week or so before my procedure. He had nothing but good things to say about the procedure and how quickly the healing process went for him personally. I tried to take this information, knead it into my darkest fears about writhing pain and agony, and create sort of a middle ground as to what to expect.

This worked somewhat, but I think became muddled as I swung between, "Well, shit, I feel really good, all things considered," and then almost blacking out when I bent over to give Mags a plate of scrambled eggs one morning. Kind of a mixed message that crops up at least a dozen times a day. It makes me frustrated when I do feel bad, like I shouldn't be getting so tired or lightheaded or [example] a mere 6 days after surgery. So there's some struggle.

And I guess I also expected my help to be more...helpy. Thinking on it now, my expectation for coming home involved lots of "Here, no, let me get that for you," or being left alone to rest in quiet while Mags was whisked off somewhere else, or, honestly, having someone curl up with me and stroke me gently while I laid in bed. In short, being waited on hand and foot. It was brain surgery, after all.

Didn't really happen. Tonight is the first time in three days since being home that I've had any time alone. Husband? He's been grinding himself into a heap every day trying to ride herd on the inlaws, juggle the toddler, and make sure I get my basic needs met. Snuggling? Between me sleeping propped up on pillows every night and Husband barely able to stay conscious, not really happening. In fact, its been incredibly frustrating to lie that clost to my Hunny Bunny and not really get to touch him.

Le sigh.

More guilt; are my expectations really that skewed? Wait, I thought people were encouraging me to let others help me more? Was I being unrealistic? Did I overshoot? Or did I get a bit shortchanged?

In light of how much more help I needed than originally anticipated, we called in the troops: Husband's mom, Grammy Pammy. My family leaves tomorrow, and she arrives on Wednesday. And at oh-dark-thirty Thursday night, Zombiegrrl arrives do to her part as well. Husband and I both have faith in these two women to be able to be helpful without babysitting (me, anyhow. Mags? Babysit awaaaay!!) They can also comfortably entertain themselves, and are comfortable getting around out here. I expect this next week will go smoother.

At least I sure hope so. Fingers crossed.