Letter from Amelia Earhart to Her Husband

I once found this quote in an on-flight magazine. It was shortly after I was married, and I remember that for a while after I read it that I'd wished I knew myself that well, not to mention to have the courage to actually say what she did. It's all the more amazing and interesting to me if you consider the era as well....

In a letter she gave to her future husband, George Palmer Putnam, just before their wedding in 1931, Earhart wrote:

You must know again my reluctancy to marry, my feeling that I shatter thereby chances in work which means so much to me. In our life together I shall not hold you to any medieval code of faithfulness to me, nor shall I consider myself bound to you similarly. I may have to keep some place where I can go to be myself now and then, for I cannot guarantee to endure at all times the confinements of even an attractive cage. I must extract a cruel promise, and that is you will let me go in a year if we find no happiness together.

Marriage definitely made me gunshy as well. I wonder how many women out there get married with similar fears; specifcically the fear of loss of one's self. I've only been in one other real relationship besides that with Husband, and during it I did lose myself. I was too young, and if not a complete ass hole, then at the least he was just stunningly clueless and unclear on the concept. He told me what kind of behavior was ok with him and what wasn't. I was afraid to lose this thing, and so I changed myself to be what I thought he wanted. But I did lose. By the end of it, I'd lost most of my self-confidence, doubted everything I did, had no friends and no life and basically avoided men for years afterwards (well, the straight ones, at least.) I eventually got a foothold on myself during that time, but not a lot. Ironically, it was in hooking up with Husband (did I ever mention he was just suppsed to be a quick roll in the hay? Just look at me now!) that I was given the space and encouragement to be myself again. I waited for the longest time for that other shoe to drop; it was just too good to be true.

Marriage still scared the crap out of me. I dragged my feet and kept Husband at bay as long as I could. Losing one's self is incredibly scary - you don't just set yourself up for that again easily. And what more fertile environment for getting squashed than in a marriage, or at least that's what I believed.

Getting married for me was basically a blind leap of faith that it would all work out. Horribly unromantic, I realize, for which I also felt guilt (hooray! More baggage!) I wish I'd known that it was OK to feel like Earhart did; wish I'd known that you could actually say those things and be truly honest with yourself and your partner; wish I'd known how to put myself first, instead of some social code of beliefs and behaviors.

In the end, it's all pretty much a non issue. While there are of course rough patches, being married is pretty swell. I still am learning that I get to be me, do me stuff, put myself first when necessary, and there really is no other shoe that's going to drop, just because I'm married. Really. I don't know that I'll ever completely trust that the shoe is gone. It still seems too good to be true.

Every parent has some small, if secret hope that their child will grow to follow in their footsteps. If Mags never looks twice at an airplane, I'm fine with that. But I hope I can help her take something from this other pilot when she is old enough. Even if she never flies.