If my life was a soap opera

On this week's episode of "As the Washing Machine Turns"....

Voiceover: "When last we left our fearless heroine, she had been attempting to do a load of laundry in her new combination washer/dryer.

(cut to shot of Susan Lucci in laundry room, pushing buttons on smoking machine)

Susan: Well, why won't this thing work?

(close up of frustrated face. Smacks machine with her hand. Machine bursts into flames.)

Susan: Aiiiiiieeee! (Falls to floor, passes out. Close up shot of soot artfully smudging face, a small yet dramatic cut on forehead.)

Voiceover: "After recovering from her coma in the hospital, Susan returns again home to deal with the repairman, Wrench Bignut. "

Susan: (draped over top of machine, wearing nothing but a negligee) Oh, Wrench, do you think you can fix it? (bats eyelashes)

Wrench: (upper body shot, topless, chest streaked with soap bubbles. Throws tool in hand to floor) Susan, it's no good. This won't work. I've tried and tried, but I think that's it'll be best for both of us if we stop lying about how serious this is.

(music swells. Cut to Susan's face. She is crying and mascara is dripping off her chin.)

Susan: Oh, Wrench, say it isn't so!

Wrench: No, I - I must go. I just don't have what it takes to fix this mess. I'm sorry. I must do this. But I promise, no matter what, I'll be back. (Grabs Susan, they kiss passionately. Wrench breaks the kiss, thrusts her aside, and storms out, leaving parts littering the ground.)

Voiceover: "Abandoned by her repairman, Susan finds solace in the agitator of a new washing machine."

(sitting propped against the side of new machine, bottle of booze in one hand, parts still lying on the floor from the previous machine. Obviously on a bender.)

Susan: Well, I guess its you and me now, isn't it? He's never going to come back. (kisses machine. Smears lipstick on white enamel.)

Voiceover: "Susan's life gradually returns to normal. But one day, out of the blue..."

(Susan is happily folding laundry on top of her new machine. Smiling, she has recovered back to her usual self. Wrench appears in doorway.)

Wrench: (topless, still covered in streaky bubbles) Susan, I....what is this?

Susan: (spins around, shock on her face) Wrench! It's you! But, you never came back! Its been three months, Wrench! I never heard from you again!

Wrench: Yes, well, I was busy. The dog ate my cellphone. The bus lines were down. (frowns) You...you got a new machine?

Susan: (drawing herself up straight and tall) Yes, Wrench. You left us. Pieces were scattered everywhere. I couldn't put my life or the machine back together without you. Don't you see? I had no choice! I HAD NO CHOICE!

***********************************************************************************
If only.

Humorously enough (and I mean humorously in the I'm-going-to-hunt-down-your-children's-children-ha-ha kind of way,) this actually happened to me. To us. No lie.

Husband and I purchased a combo washer/dryer. Out of the blue it blew up. We called for a repair. It took them 2 weeks to even show up. He disassembled the machine, told us he didn't have the parts, and left without cleaning anything up, never to be heard from again. Contatcting the manufacturer, who also supplies the repair guys, resulted in months of unreturned calls, until we gave up and bought a whole new set. Then lo, after three months, they call to see if its working yet. Oh yeah. These people were a-maz-ing (and I mean that in an I'm-going-to-slash-my-wrists-if-they-lie-to-me-one-more-time kind of way.) Refunds were asked for. Customers were laughed at.

I'll just fast forward through the rest of the footage: there's the dramatic scene in which said heroine storms into the BBB and vows revenge; there are many scenes in which extras from India pass the buck on call after call; accusations are thrown, drinks are had, tempers flare, and more lies are told. There is one particularly tender and heartbreaking moment where the heroine receives a message from an angel and is promised a refund, but it turns out it was just a dream sequence after all.

If you're really bored, the deets are here: http://www99.epinions.com/content_152937336452

So, why pull all this old footage out of the celluloid closet today? Because out of the blue, I received something in the mail from my agent, the BBB. Seems that their people finally got around to talking to my people, and still managed to lie even more! But, I now have something in writing - a fax sent to the BBB by the angel; it wasn't a dream after all! - that said we were promised a refund. Oh my gosh! Do you know what this means?!? We're probably going to end up with our own spin-off drama! I know, isn't it the best?!? I mean, sure, this first storyline has dragged on for nearly THREE YEARS now -- the people want something new and fresh! There's going to have to be some big courtroom scene, I think, and maybe a car wreck -- someone will either get pregnant or decapitated, I can't decide which. I'll share the script when I have it in my hot little hands.

Until then, the award goes to ..(envelope please)....ME! For having to put up with this bullshit for so long!

(cheers, applause. Screen fades to black.)