Numb

Maybe that's not the right word. Comatose? Zombie? Completely unable to function? Thats about it. I must've woken up about two dozen times last night -- and I mean that with zero exaggeration. And all I've been able to accomplish today is walk to the store a block frm my house. This does not include emptying the bags, or cooking anything for lunch; just going and buying food.

I realized I spendf most of my time in front of the computer these days. Sitting requires no energy (as long as you aren't concerned with posture,) I and I can at least have some vague sense of getting somethign accomplished, even if that something is jusy a lot of surfing and checking in on friend's blogs 40 times a day. Really, my days are just an exercise in consciousness. A pretty sad existance right now.

Had my official follow up with the sleep clinic yesterday afternoon (ironically during nap time.) Yes, I've definitely got sleep apnea. No, we're not going to discuss surgical options for at least a year because of fairly recent brain surgery. Yes, we're gonna get you the CPAP machine.

Did you know you require a prescription to get the machine? You can't just run to Tar-get and pick one up -- no, no. You have to go in for another sleep study, this time wearing the machine, to determine the correct pressure settings and such for the machine. Makes sense if you think about it; we don't want our eyeballs to inflate, now do we?

I have been dying to get strapped ito this machine. DYING. As ass-ugly as its gonna be, I DO NOT CARE. I just wany to fucking sleep! But you know what the soonest it will be before I can even put in an order for one of these machines? At LEAST two weeks, possibly three. You need to have both a prescription (one week to get) plus an official copy of the sleep study while in the CPAP machine in the clinic (2-3 weeks to get.) And that doesn't even necessarily mean I'll be able to walk in and pick one out. I might have to (dear god!) wait for one on order!! Kill me.

This is just cruel and unusual punishment as far as I can tell. Truly. Since I started this sleep study process, I've heard nothing but how FABULOUS I'm going to feel! How MUCH this is going to help me! My life will CHANGE dramatically! Quality of life will IMPROVE! Energy will go up! Weight will go down! Cats and dogs will lie together! World peace will be obtained! I'll be able to stop time! And I'll finally get that fucking pony I've always wanted!! This CPAP machine has turned into the mother fucking HOLY GRAIL of sleep, and it'll take you 3 weeks to print out a computerized report?!?

GIVE ME THE FUCKING MACHINE!!

I have no shame when I admit I tried to bribe my doctor with cold hard cash yesterday to just slip me a machine on the way out the door. Or that Husband is cruising eBay for one for me. Mer told me of the husband of a friend who uses one....they even live here in Deadwood City...I could just follow him home...

I do go in tonight for that second test avec CPAP machine tonight. I don't care that I'm supposed to take my meds at 730-8am; if those peole wake me up before noon tomorrow, there will be blood spilled. I shit you not.