Wanted: A Few Good Men

I have this medical condition, you see, and I was thinking, well, maybe to avoid surgery (and make a few bucks on the side...)

Wait. I'm getting way ahead of myself. Let me explain. No. There is too much. Let me sum up: Buttercup is marry Humperdink in little less than half an ho--

No, sorry about that. Wrong backplot. Let me try again.

So, today I went in for my Sleep Study Consultation. I sat in a room with a doctor who asked me about a thousand questions about my sleeping (or lack thereof.) He jammed a popsicle stick in my mouth - hell, halfway down my throat - and shone a light up my nose. After about 15 minutes, he concluded that he was fairly sure I had Obstructive Sleep Apnea. Said that my tonsils were huge, my jaw was really short, my tongue was enlarged (thanks, tumor!) and in general my throat was pretty small. He then ran out and got a surgeon* to repeat a lot of the poking and prodding.

Surgeon came up with an even better diagnosis: without me ever laying my head on a pillow, he's betting I've got severe sleep apnea! Well, hallelujia! For the second time this year, I urn out not to be imagining things! I really DO sleep like ass! And I have a medical reason to do so! In the famous words of my friend Minnie: woot!

So, I inquire. What happens now? Well, first I officially take the test, where you go to their center, plug you in for the night, and monitor all of your dirty dreams. Then in a few weeks I go back for the official diagnosis.

Depending on its severity, there are a few ways to treat apnea. The best is something called a CPAP. Basically, you have to sleep with a mask that forces low pressure air into your throat at all times to keep it open. Hmm, sounds fairly unpleasant and super not sexy. Next comes the option of possibly having some sort of mouth piece to force my lower jaw out so as to open the throat and allow air to enter unobstructed. This is only for mild cases, and frankly as someone who can't even wear a dental guard at night, fairly unlikely (and also butt ugly.) The third does not require anything to be strapped onto or inserted into my head, which is a nice change. Yes, with option number three, I may get to have my tonsils removed and get my septum moved yet again! Whoo hoo!

Now I know you are thinking to yourself, Mama, how did you get so lucky? Well, I haven't even told you the best part: Option Four. Yes, this particular gold plated option really got my pulse to leaping: having my jaw broken and pushed forward to PERMANENTLY open my throat nice and wide! It's like free plastic surgery! Hot damn!

Long story short: I don't have to decide anything in the near future. First comes the test, and because I'm still on hydrocortisone, nothing drastic would be done for at least 6 months. That also gives tissue time to possibly reduce in size as well. Most likely, I'll get sent home with the CPAP machine until such tme as we can do anything else. I am extra not excited about this machine, but truly,at this point if it meant I got several good nights sleep in a row for the first time in years (doc says I've probably had this my whole life and its just gotten worse with time), I'd actually be ok with that . Mostly.

Which brings me back to my idea. Men. Specifically, men's penises. Many of the questionnaires I had to fill out at the clinic at least touched on the relationship between sleep and sex. Drive, sleeping better afterwards, that sort of thing. And whilst I agree that I sleep better after sex, both with myself OR someone else, that's not where i'm going with this.

Blow jobs.

Yep, I figure if I start giving lots and lots and LOTS of blow jobs, my throat should open right up! Hell, my jaw may become permanently relocated in the process, thereby saving me the hassle of having to have it broken and moved. Plus, like I mentioned earlier, if I could make a few bucks on the side....

But I digress. I ran the idea past Husband, who at least over IM did not seem terribly phased. He had a few suggestions for my business plans ("You'll need to find guys with large penises") which sounded pretty sage. I'm not quite sure how to advertise for this sort of thing, though. Like any cottage industry, do I start by hitting up my friends and family? On some level, that seems a bit wrong. Maybe physical therapists can help. Yep, c'mon over here and work your therapy on the back of my throat! On second thought, nah, 'cause then I have to deal with insurance companies, and we all know what a pain THAT can be!

Any suggestions would be appreciated. Idea girl has hit a snag in her plan.

Tomorrow is the sleep test. Not sure if I'll be able to get any pix of this or not...

* This surgeon had to be 75 years old if he was a day, and he had a noticeable shake. The thought of this man possibly performing any procedure on me filled me with terror as would any man who's balls were about to be shaved by a late Katherine Hepburn.