Extreme Dislike. I MIght Even Go So Far as to Say Hate.

I used to hate my nose. It was the bane of my existance. I thought it was all people could see of me. It was sure as hell all I could see of myself.

Now here we are post surgery. My nose is wider, and has an extra little dip in it, a la amusement park slide. But I don't care anymore. Because now I have The Chin.

Oh god, do I have the chin. Horribly huge, it sticks out further than my nose now. My face is incredibly out of proportion. I get mistaken for a man even more than I did before the surgery. Hell, I knocked someone over with it the other day!! I turned my head quickly and whoosh! Swept their feet right out from underneath them.

Two things that have happened are really making this an issue for me. I was never real happy with my face post surgery, but have been trying INCREDIBLY hard to have a positive attitude -- you know, I feel better so it was all worth it kind of thing. Yeah, well my sleep has been for shit for the last month, and I'm afraid now that the whole thing was for naught, and all I got got from jaw surgery was this crappy chin. (Oooh, a t shirt, perhaps?)

And the more recent was last night at work. One of the volunteers for catering at the show last night was a pot-bellied man in a bad wig, fire engine red lipstick, nail polish, and a tshirt and jeans. And he/she was checking me out like mad. Even my co-worker noticed and teased me that I'd made a new friend. Now, don't get me wrong - god bless the trannies and all that - but being mistaken for one was horrible. As someone who has crappy self esteem to begin with, and really, y'know, likes being found attractive by a more mainstream flavor of man - hell, being noticed as a girl at ALL - this falls under the category of bad, bad, and bad.

Yeah, I don't really look in mirrors anymore. Don't really like looking at myself, to be honest.

So! My new plan?

a) Win the lottery.
b) Get chin reduction surgery. Oh yeah! I've already been looking into it AND have an email in to my surgeon to see if its feasible. Hoping that if everything heals up nicely that having my chin reduced won't undue any of the benefits of the surgery itsself. Of course I am second guessing myself all over the place now. Should I have had chin reduction surgery first? Would I have lived long enough to have and recover from chin reduction surgery before getting the surgery for the apnea? Will I have to live in a bell tower for the rest of my life?

Yeah. I'm battling some pretty aggressive depression about all this right now. I know a therapist who specializes in this sort of thing but - surprise! - she's not on our insurance plan, who incidentally are probably going to be shafting us a bit in the payment department. Fuckers. So if I seem a little quiet these days, its because I'm trying to not dwell on all the bad, or at least not out loud.

My goodness, such a cheeful post!