Offspring Story of the Day

Today's episode: Stalling! But not by Mags -- by me.

I've started reading a new book series with Mags; The Amazing Adventures of Captain Underpants, I believe it is called. She loves it. And why shouldn't she? There are underpants! Monsters eating underpants! Plastic dog poop! (this kills her every time.) Maybe not the most high-brow reading we could be doing, but at least she is sitting through even more chapter books, which is good.

But here's where it got tricky. First off was me trying to explain to Mags what hypnotism is. Sure, I know what it is - duh - but trying to explain it to a 5 year old? I kind of locked up. Started and stopped a bunch of times.

Me: Well, its, umm...wow, I'm not sure how to explain it, honey.
Mags: (puts a consoling hand on my arm.) Mom, Its ok. Just stop. Think. And then talk.
Me: (pause) Learn that at school, did we?
Mags: Yep. Try again, mom. And remember what I told you.

Well! With such expert advice how could I not succeed? She was entranced, entralled, enraptured. She LOVED the idea that you could make someone do stuff by making their brains 'fall asleep'! And the part where the kids hypnotized the principal? You know - a grown up?!?Wow. She almost exploded.

So of course now she wants to be hypnotized. BAD. After the book she begged me to do it to her.

Mags: Please mom! Hypnotize me! Pleeeease! Here, I'll lay down. (lies straight as a board, arms stiff at her sides.) Ok, I'm ready!
Mom: But honey....
Mags: Oooh, I know, mom! Hypnotize me to go to school tomorrow!
Mom: Thats something you're already going to do, hon. That's not what you hypnotize someone for.
Mags: Ok, well then just hypnotize me for ANYTHING!
Me: How about...eating cat food? Or wearing jeans?
Mags: Yuk, mom! I don't want to eat cat food and I DEFINITELY DO NOT want to wear JEANS!
Me: Well, you know, I don't really know how to -
Mags: Its ok, mom, you can just write it down on paper, and when you need help you can just read the paper and then you'll know how! Here, I'll go get you some paper right now. (leaps out of bed.)
Me: Hey!
Mags: I'll be right back!

So earnest, so sincere in trying to help me figure out how to remember how to hypnotize someone. I couldn't burst her bubble (or laugh straight in her face - so cute!) But how to get out of it...I know, the old standby!

Me: Ok, honey, time for bed.
Mags: But mom, I'm writing it down for you!
Me: Its bedtime now. We can do this another time.
Mags: But I want to be hypnotized! (sobs)
Me: Well, what if we...hypnotize dad instead? Its much more fun that way. If you're hypnotized, you don't remember anything!
Mags: No, *I* want to be hypnotized!
Me: Baby, I can't do it now even if it wasn't bedtime! I, umm..don't have the ring! Like they had in the book! Remember? They had to buy that special ring!
Mags: (perking up) Do you have one?
Me: No, I don't.
Mags: But you can order one, right mom? Like they did in the book? You should order one -
Me: I don't think -
Mags: like they did! How long does it take mom, How long?
Me: Umm, 4 to 6 weeks, just like the book.
Mags: How many sleeps is that?

So, I've bough myself some time. I'm hoping that by June we'll have forgottren out burning desire to be hypnotized, but I'm going to come up with some sort of alternate plan in the meantime just in case. Like, getting dad to do it.