Can't run from it

So, on Tuesday I registered to start back at school come January. I'm actually really excited about the idea (ask me again 3 weeks after I start.) It was a good feeling to walk back into the building and feel like I belonged there. Oh, sure, I didn't recognise most of the faces, and I'm still at least 10 years older than 95% of the students there, but it felt good nonetheless.

However, in getting ready to go up to the City, I found myself almost stressing about what to wear, and that suprised me. I literally tried on a handful of different outfits before finding something that worked (didn't fit - next, didn't fit - next, didn't fit -- you get the picture.) Have I always been image conscious? Or is it just that I haven't had to worry about what I wore for the past 8 months but now I do? Am I really intimidated by a bunch of 22 year old fashionistas at school? (Turns out the answer is 'yes'.)

I probably wouldn't be wigging out about it so much if I wasn't feeling incredibly unhappy with my bod right now. Husband would call it girl-o-vision, but whatever it is, I do try to pretend that I don't exist below the waist these days. Sure, some are blessed with quick weight loss after having a kid (you guessed it; not me. ) But after wrestling with food and exercise forEVER, I was actually withing striking distance of my ideal weight this past spring. 10 pounds to go! Whoo hoo! I can keep this up for a little while longer!

And then I started birth control. Or maybe more correctly, birth OUT of control. Sure, it may have prevented me from getting pregnant, but it didn't prevent me from LOOKING like I was pregnant. And short of being pregnant, I've never gained weight that fast in my life; almost 20 lbs. in about 6 weeks. No lie. And this was all while I was doing 40, 50, & 60 mile bike rides while training for the AIDS ride. I'm sorry to admit I got so depressed about it that I lost all momentum. Not doing myself any favors, but really, if I'm honestly busting ass and actually manage to LOSE ground? I'm done, thanks. Damn you, evil hormones!!!

Fast forward to present day Metropolis: nothing I have fits. Well, nothing besides the post-pregnancy jeans I had to pull out of storage. Yah. That bad. Even the 'fat girl' pants I bought at the thrift store don't fit anymore. Arg! (Nothing below the neck, nothing below the neck....) And now with school looming, I really honestly do need to go clothes shopping, because the gym pants I wear 4x a week are not gonna cut it. So I tried to go to Mervyn's today. I know, not uber fashionable, but at least I didn't try to discover the softer side of Sears. Let's just say that little adventure did not work. In fact, I left feeling, how do you say... depressed? Yah. No more living the lie. There's nothing like a changing room to bring reality bitch-slapping and screaming into your existance. No amount of chanting my below the neck mantra is going to work here. Ugh.

I have started going back to the gym, and have been religiously tracking my calories. I leave tomorrow for a 10-day trip, which means that excercise will probably fall off and eating will probably increase. I'm trying to be ok with where my body is right now, but I'm really struggling. Really.

I don't even have a point. I just feel icky. Blech.