And they're off!

Good morning, sports fans, and welcome to another exciting race day here at Harrison Meadows. We've got an excellent event planned for you today, promising no end of excitement and suspense!

Racing today, in no particular order, will be:

'Getting Ranchy With It' Maxham -- the oldest of todays entries, this workhorse was bred and raised in the wild and wooly Texas frontier. Can this aging beast, already used once at the stud farm, maintain his household lead? Or will the loss of his (pony) tail sap his strength like Sampson and send him to the glue factory?

'Your Mom' Maxham -- raised on an odd diet of white bread and Spaghetti-O's in the Midwest, that hasn't stopped this mare from taking her place in the West Coast race. Well out of foaling season, her long legs promise to take her all over the place; day care, school, and the grocery store.

'Gonna Have A Good Time Tonight' Maxham -- this filly comes into her own, often breaking out of her sire's shadow to do her best running - in the nude. Will her toddler vigor be enough to take todays race and earn her a title of 'Goddammit, come back here!' ?

The starting bell goes off. Your Mom struggles to consciousness in bed while -- wait a second, Getting Ranchy has been up and out of bed a good 30 minutes before the bell went off, arranging a doctor's appointment. It looks like he's actually turning around to get the other two contenders into the race! Wow! Now what is he doing? He's crawling into bed with Your Mom! Oh, this is really gonna slow them down this morning, Jeff. Around the corner comes A Good Time, but she seems to be dragging. Oh no! Now she's turned back as well, and is headed straight for her own stable. Getting Ranchy steers A Good Time back into bed with your Mom, and it seems that the whole race has come to a screeching halt for the moment.

It looks like things are back under way! All three contestants head downstairs and -- this is odd, the filly is riding on the mare's BACK. Unheard of! A Good Time is dropped on the couch and Your Mom heads for the kitchen. Getting Ranchy takes a side trip and saddles up to the computer. It looks like Your Mom is trying to edge to the bathroom, but suddenly Getting Ranchy leaps up and hands her the ringing phone. Oh, this is gonna cost her some serious time this morning! Now there's A Good Time in the bathroom with Your Mom, who is managing to juggle the phone and the filly who stole the toilet at the same time -- with her legs crossed! Getting Ranchy seems to still be grazing at the computer.

This is getting really exciting! Your Mom has tossed the phone onto the couch and a bowl of cereal onto the table and is in a dead run down the hallway! So far its gonna be A Good Time in the lead, with breakfast already running down her chin, followed by Your Mom who's peeing like a racehorce in the bathroom, and in the office is Getting Ranchy who is engrossed with the rest of today's race schedule on his screen. Now A Good Time is jockeying about some stuffed animals while Your Mom tries to peel her out of the cat costume she's been wearing for nearly three days and herd her into something clean. And it looks like - it looks like - yes! Your Mom has suceeded and both are barreling into the office, eyes wide and nostrils flared. And look! A suprise comeback from Getting Ranchy as he vaults over the office chair and meets the other two coming down the home stretch towards the front door. Its neck and neck now folks! Tension fills the air! Who will win this morning race?!?

The screen door bangs open amidst a cloud of dust and a chorus of goodbyes as Getting Ranchy and A Good Time careen through the courtyard, leaving Your Mom panting in their wake. As she staggers back into the house, she declares victory all around and heads to the shower for a cool down.