Off the Charts

Yes, more proof, in fact, that I never EVER do anything in half measures.

I went to the doctor yesterday, and got the results back from my 24-hour pee test I took last month. The first thing I said when I walked in was, "I hope you found something wrong," to which my doctor replied, "Well, actually, we did find something wrong." I cheered. What a relief to finally have a specific problem to fix! (I'm sure by cheering the doctor thought there was probably more than one problem to fix suddenly, but to each their own.)

We sat down in the comfy leather seats in front of his desk, and he slapped the 5 pages of test results down in front of us. This is a very comprehensive test, covering all sorts of mysterious hormonal, steroid and thyroid levels, some of which the doctor confessed he was somewhat unfamiliar with as they were somewhat new. Lots of 25+ letter words; that sort of thing. He gave me a bit of general explanation for the test, and then he lept right into page two: the Highly Irregular Test Results.

This was the steroid page. DHEA, testosterone, cortisone, and all varying flavors of the above. Well, so, apparently in all things cortisol related, I broke all sorts of records. There are reference ranges for each of the 20-ish items tested (blah 153-827 or the like,) to which *my* results came back looking more like 2558. In fact, 90% of my results came back - no lie - 2-5x their normal range. The sum of a particular grouping of results was supposed to fall between 5-9000; mine was approximately 21K. The lab actually made a note that they ran the entire test twice because of the crazy results, and still came up with the same time. They even went so far as to call my doctor and ask about my background, 'cause they'd never encountered test results like this before. My doctor admitted he'd never seen results like this before either.

I admit I did a lot of laughing; c'mon, the results were so ridiculous. How could you not? However, if they are correct (and I need to go take some very specific blood tests to confirm them,) chances are may have something called hypercortisolism, or Cushing's syndrome. Its caused by either the pituitary gland sending non-stop 'produce cortisol!' messages to the adrenal gland (instead of just as needed,) or the adrenal gland has just taken it upon itsself to keep cranking the stuff out unasked. If the blood tests confirm the results, then both of these glands will have to be tested for benign tumors that would cause this reaction. If there were tumors, they'd have to be removed via surgery or radiation, depending on which gland had the tumor(s). Cheery, eh? Nothing life threatening, but if untreated could lead to diabetes, among other things. Some of the symptoms for this, one asks? Weight gain, central obesity, headaches, fatigue, and depression, to name a few. Hmmmm...

Husband is a bit worked up about all this, in direct contrast to my snickering and bragging about my ridiculous and hard to believe results. Not crap-your-pants panicking, but he's been doing a lot of research on line since I came home yesterday. He also thinks there's a possibility that by running at 4000 rpm all the time like I am prone to do, I've actually stressed myself sick. The suggestion of slowing down at school again has even landed on the table. He's just a little bit worried. (Note to self - jokes about possibly dying, no matter how small and teasingly delivered, are not appreciated by him right now.)

So, now to go get more tests and wait. I have to admit I feel silly even writing about all this. Nothing has been confirmed. This syndrom is probably a worst case scenario. And it feels like most the symptoms are a bit too vague to not possibly be attested to any number of other things, having a child being one of them. That, and I pride myself on being a ridiculously healthy person 95% of the time. But, this is what the doctor has come up with, so I might as well jot it down somewhere.

Now I need to go, because I need to replant the front yard, clean the entire first floor of our house, run 20 errands, not take a nap, obsess over lists of things I'm not getting accomplished, and probably miss a meal or two while I'm at it. Can't you tell I'm on break between quarters at school? Geez!