Shit + Fan = Life
Well! Everything just sucks today.
I had a horrible nights sleep. And when I did sleep, the majority of my dreaming starred... well, someone who I'm having issues with right now and did not want to be hosting for hours -- much less making out with.
My first thought when I woke up this morning? "Only 8 more hours until I'm off duty and have some free time."
I looked around my bedroom, which I cleaned fairly aggressively 2 weeks ago when Husband took Mags to the ranch (whee, what an exciting vacation for me.) Already there are clothes strewn everywhere, mounts of unfolded and wrinkled clothes hiding the top of our dresser, and a comforter cover that is mysteriously lying in the middle of the floor.
I came downstairs and immediately Husband - being the loving soul that he is - tried to give me a hug and smooch. I held him off at arms length. "Don't touch me," I warned.
I have just been feeling like ass for more than a week. Day care has been closed since Friday, and will be until next Monday. I'm tired all the time, I'm bawling all the time, I'm angry all the time, I've started thinking about divorce again and how I shouldn't be married to ANYONE, I fantasize about my own little cottage deep in the Canadian wilderness, and just in general am incredibly resentful of the fact that I am a wife and a mother right now. I hate being around everyone else because they're all so fucking happy, which just makes me feel worse. I have no fuse to speak of right now. I feel overwhelmed and stressed. I've overloaded my life with too many things. I can't see the light coming through the top of the hole I'm in. I will not graduate from school until I'm 40.
I am completely fed up with compromise, because as seen through my flaming glasses of doom right now, compromise just seems to always end up being someone else trying to convince me to do it their way, and I'm fucking tired of it. I don't know how to take care of myself
I guess I'd like my life to be about, well, ME for bit. I truly cannot bring up the sensation of what that feels like anymore.
And as terrified as I am of the migraines coming back, I popped a Zoloft this morning. I'm not sure what is worse: migraines, or the anger and frustration and anxiety filling my chest, the urge to buy a scimitar and walk down the street mowing people down right and left, or the clawing, desperate need to get away from my daughter.
WOULD SOMEBODY PLEASE JUST BLUDGEON ME SENSELESS?
posted by mama pajama @ 9:23 AM
2 Comments:
I can relate to a lot of this post. I think it is pretty common for the working mother who is also suffering various ailments and stresses. I also think that you need a vacation, or at least a weekend alone save for the masseur giving you back rubs and foot rubs. Can you get a day to do nothing, but be alone?
Oh man, I got the sense lately you were feeling crappy but I had not been keeping up on your blog (or any blog...) Too caught up in my own stuff. Well if you need anything that I can possibly do, let me know.
Every woman I know with little kids has felt like this. Exhausted, depressed, angry, and etc. and feel like you have no boundaries that anyone respects...
feel free to come over and bitch. If that helps.
I'm really glad you have the backup of daycare.... school is hard but you're doing super well at it and can be proud of yourself.
For one thing if you ever want some very quiet office space you can come use my office. The door closes and once you're in there it's like a whole other world. And since it's not your house you won't feel like you have to *clean* it.
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