Rent is Paid!

Been at my sewing studio for 4 months now and have bee late on my rent for 3 of those months (and in the interest of full disclosure, the only time it was on time was because I was signing the rental contaact and the manager was right there.)

Turns out I never put the reminder in my email calendar, and it would just slip my mind. Hell, this past month the only thing that reminded me was one day I went into the studio and nothing happened when I switched on the light switch or tried to turn on my machine. I panicked, ran home, got my checkbook and slipped an envelope through the manager's door that very afternoon. Turns out the building had had a power outage, but who knows how long I would've gone before I rememebered?

And not once have I ever gotten a call or note or anything from the manager, but still, bad form on my part.

Anyhow, long story short (too late!), I dropped off my check for this month today AND have added it to my calendar with the 'mail me 3 days in advance' feature also turned on. Go me!

Good News(s)!

Yes, I pluralized 'news'. Get over it. :)

1) I slept well last night! About 10 hours! Feeling noticeably more human. Could use about 4 more straight nights of that, but am not going to look a gift horse in the mouth. (Also thought I'd mention that as I seem to always be moaning and carrying on about how tired I am.)

2) Got another job/contract! And this one is Really Good. Seriously. I will be doing some overhire/temporary work for these guys. In a real costume shop. With a nationally recognized group. With a real budget. And a real WEEKLY PAYCHECK. *swoon!* It fits nicely before my job in MA (did I ever write about that? I got the MA job too!) but does have a bit of overlap with the Pacific-o gig. Will definitely be 'exciting' for a bit there.

I am obviously very happy that I got this job, but the interview process was less that smooth on my part, I will admit. I showed up late, I was still wearing ratty nail polish on one hand (compliments of Mags), several of my portfolio images weren't even in my portfolio yet, and one of the garments I'd brought in to show samples of my work had fallen off the hanger and was in a wadded, wrinkled heap. I could have been a PSA on 'what not to do for a job interview'. I must have interviewed REALLY well. Interviewed Monday, job on Friday afternoon. :)

3) I also made some good progress pulling costumes for G&D this past weekend, and am feeling somewhat less pants-crapping that last week, which is always good. Still have crazy loads of stuff to do, but knocking some down helps.

Parenting Highlight (Not)

Ah, the perfect storm: sleep deprived, stressed, PMSing, and an overly-squirmy 5 year old built entirely (at least it felt like) out of knees and elbows crawling all over you.

I did not realize how close I was to my limit until *snap!* I totally lost it last night. I'd been trying to watch a movie with Mags last night ("Who is that? Is he the bad guy? Is Harry going to get hurt? Is she dead? Are those spiders real? Can I have more milk? Will you get me a snack?") while she crawled all over me. Constant. Nonstop. Talking. And Movement. I had taken a small pad of paper away from her when it was time to go upstairs, and she lunged bak at me to get it, smacking my chin with herforhead in the process. Getting smacked in the face is bad enough, but combine that with a day of being climbed over AND a screw in my chin from the surgery that has not healed yet, and well, you get

*WHAP!*

Reflexively I smacked Mags on the forhead with the paper.

She stared at me with shock and horror before bursting in to tears. I nearly rolled my eyes out of my head before starting to comfort her. Oh, and then the guilt started.

"You (sob) you HIT ME!"
"You're right, Mags, I should not have done that."
"Mamas (hiccup) DON'T HIT!"
"Sweetheart, I'm sorry."
"I didn't bonk you on PURPOSE! (sob, sob)"
"I know, honey, I know."

Oh, and here's the best part. She whipped out the Golden Rule (or a preschool variation thereof,) and used it against me!

"When someone does something bad to you, (sniffle) you're not supposed to do something bad back!" And then she promptly hacked a fine mist all over my face, lightly sprinkling droplets of her germy cold all over my glasses and mucus membranes, I'm sure.

Guilt AND germs. I ground my teeth together. I utterly fucking hate being a parent sometimes.

Lucky for her she was awfully cute the rest of the night after we talked for a bit (although I'm not sure 'talking' wasn't me groveling a little bit in delerium just to get her to SHUT UP.) Oh, and she was up way too late because I just didn't have the energy to nag her into bed at the appropriate time. A slippery slope that is. Gotta get this sleep thing under control or she'll really walk all over me.

Awk-ward!

You know what I'm talking about.

Frea-ky!

I just woke up from the WEIRDEST nap!

I had fallen asleep on by back, and was completely aware that I was asleep and dreaming. But I could not move a muscle. And I started to panic a bit in my sleep because I was trying to move but was aware that I was frozen. On top of that I was getting some weird ringing in my ears that I was aware of as well. I can't say I was sad when the alarm went off and I woke up.

Its a freaky thing called - oh so creatively - sleep paralysis, and its not terribly uncommon. I've definitely had it before in my life, and I'm betting most folks out there have at one point or another too. I can't remember the last time I had it, though. It occurs during REM sleep, so that your body doesn't actually act out your dream. But with sleep paralysis, your mind wakes up but your body doesn't.

Reading on it suggests that SP occurs in people who are sleep deprived and have suffered from post traumatic stress disorders, amopng other things (of course.) This was the first time I have been able to fall asleep without meds in a solid week at least, and a few nights even that almost didn't do the trick. I know I have been absolutely freaked out about the scope of this project and its making my bad sleep even worse. I think the only reason I fell asleep is because working on my project this weekend has been very productive, and I am feeling less entirely and completely swamped. A connection? You be the judge.

It could have been much worse, though. Its very common with sleep paralysis to get the sense that something is creeping closer to your bed, or actually see a 'shadowy figure' approach you, or have the sensation of a tight chest or not being able to breathe. Kind of like having a panic attack. Very very closely linked to nightmares. Actually, the Wikipedia article on it is pretty fascinating as it discusses how this is documented in dozens of countries, and how each culture interprets the phenomenon. It also explains how the word 'nightmare' came to be used to describe bad dreams.

End of An Era

Yes, sadly, Walter Cronkite has died. But that was someone else's era. (Insert joke about Walter who?)

Today while at Whole Paycheck, I glanced over the newspapers to see what local headlines there might be. I picked up the San Francisco paper as I often do, but something was wrong. I checked the header - ok, definitely the Chronicle, didn't have San Jose by mistake - so what was it? It was strange; like someone had moved the furniture in my house. And then I figured out what it was.

The paper had shrunk! I don't mean thickness; although the paper has been getting leaner and leaner over the past while, I mean the actual dimensions of the paper. Its now only about 2/3 of its normal size. What was throwing me was that the Chronicle was now the size of the local community rag. Totally wrong. Just felt *off* in my hands. Wrong size. Too small, IMO.

I know all the papers across the country are in trouble - if they haven't shut down already. And I guess I'm glad that the Chron seems to be slowly fading as opposed to just not being there, but I'm not sure. It almost seems like it would be better if it just stopped being, if that makes sense. I'm used to going places and not finding the newspaper. I'm not used to going and seeing a thin shadow of its former glory. More sad that way, I think.

So strange to think that papers will just cease to be during my lifetime. No, I'm not a regular reader, but they've just been a fixture in my life for 30 odd years.

Similarly: For those not in the know, I snagged a free telephone booth off of Craigslist a few weeks back. I was super excited; another one of those things I have strong memories and childhood associations with. I figured Mags would get a lot of fun out of it too. What a great thing for a kid to play with!

Me: (triumphantly) Mags! Mags! Look what I got!!

*pause*

Mags: (unconvinced) What is it? Why do you have a big box?

Me: No, no - look inside!

Mags: Is that a...phone?

Me: Yeah, this is a phone booth!!

Mags: (another pause) Why is there a phone in a box?

Then it hit me - she had no idea what a phone booth was! She'd never seen one before! And then, I felt very, very, VERY old.

Talk about someone else's era.

Guilt! Guilt! Guilt!

I was supposed to be attending a big campout this weekend. No, more than that - I was also supposed to be going early to help set up, hang decorations I made/acquired, AND spin a poolside set on Friday.

But I just sent an email to the powers that be that I'm not going to be able to make it. I basically spent the last 3 days a'bed and still feel kinda crappy, not to mention the full blown sinus infection I have. Really, going and doing lots of strenuous labor, staying up late and truing to sleep on a crappy mattress with a veriatble rave going on outside my door is not in my best interest.

But now I am wracked with guilt because I am putting myself and my health first. Friends that I am letting down! Extra work I am creating for others! How very very selfish of me! (Not that anyone has said a word, but this is how I feel.)

Yes, I am REALLY struggling with this. I was raised that if you weren't coughing up a lung or shitting blood that you were healthy enough to go to school/do what you needed to do. So this goes against, mmmm, everything I've been lead to believe for a large part of my life. Plus, I'll be missing a friends birthday to boot! AAAugh!

(Sigh) At least I have something to talk about with my therapist tomorrow. Like I'm ever short of fodder...

RIP Speedy

Mags' pet lizard died Sometime early Saturday. Not sure what from: cold, being picked up too often, not having the correct food, or PTSD (between being chased around your cage every day by a 5 year old or having a cat sit next to your cage peering in for hours at a time, I suspect neither is real good for the heart, ya dig?)

Mags actually did quite an impressive job with the lizard; we had a deal that she had to prove she was responsible with the pet or we would take it back to the ranch. And so every morning she would check the food and water of her new friend. In fact, this past Saturday was the first time I have found that water bowl empty (no one is perfect.)

But I'm also thinking maybe it was best that Speedy shed his mortal coil when he did because I think Mags' interest was starting to wane. As in, she hasn't checked the cage since Friday. As in, she hasn't noticed the ex-lizard having an open wake on our dining room table.

I'm gonna go have one for my homie (and by one I mean a shot of Theraflu.) So long, Speedy. We hardly knew ya, but you'll make good compost.

Day of Rest

Gave myself the day off yesterday. Actually, to be more correct, I was so sick I couldn't get out of bed. And to show how genuinely sick I was, with the exception of a 10 minute cry-fest in the morning, I didn't even feel guilty! Me! I must be near death...

Lots of coughing (sometimes to the point of gagging,) day-glo boogers, aches all over, sinus pain behind my EYEBROWS, and a slight fever. Did I mention everything but the coughing started after I started a course in antibiotics? Ihjad also been given an inhaler to help the cough ( I was getting tight chest/athsma like symptoms.) And it did help -- when I didn't lopse the inhaler itself. Le sigh.

Funny story: Husband and Mags had to go out yesterday evening, and I entertained myself in front of the tv. Grabbed some applesauce out of the fridge at one point. When they came home, the first thing Husband did was walk to the kitchen. "Aha", he said, "tat's why the house reeks of gas. Two of the burners of the stove were on."

"The house smells like gas? I totally can't tell! Oh. Maybe that's why I have a screaming headache, too."

"Umm, yeah, maybe."

So, I'm not sure how the gas got turned on. I definitely didn't try to cook anything, and the only thing I can think of is that I bumped not one but TWO knobs somehow when I got that applesauce. And by funny story, I mean I almost killed myself on accident. Ha! Hahahaha!

Not sure how today is going to go. I want nothing more than to spend the day in bed, but am feeling a bit panicked about how much stuff I need to get done. As it was I had to cancel a friend's photo shoot at her dance perforrmance (guilt!) Now I'm considering canceling my dj spot this weekend because tonight is the only night I can practicve on a pair of decks, and I don't have a set mad eyetr, and like I said, just want to lay down all day. Urg.

Think I will sleep til noon and see what happens after that. Wish me luck. Oh, and doctor's apopt tomorrow.

Might Actually Have to Turn Down Some Work

Nothing huge, but for a *really* fun-sounding project. I had sent in my info about 3 weeks ago and never heard back so I assumed it was a no-go. And I may still scare them away with my quote. But...you never know. Maybe the dates they need me will coincide with the end of my current projct. And maybe someday you'll see my work in that particular indie film.

Or maybe not. (trying to not feel angst-y about it. Not really succeding.)

What Do You Do When Stressed?

Procrastinate!

Check out this cool site! Folks who decorate cakes to look like Threadless (tm) tshirts. Some really amazing stuff in there, too. :)

Offspring Story of the Day

Last minute dropping Mags off at school. She is wearing her white with silver embroidery flower girl dress. I sit down to finish her hair on a bench. A little boy comes running up

Boy: (gushing) Mags, I LOVE your fancy dress! (giver her a hug)
Mags: Hello boyfriend. (hugs back) Now let me alone so my mom can finish my hair.

Dropped Some Stuff of at the Thrift Store Today

Would love to be a fly on the wall when they find the inflatable sheep.

Offspring Story of the Day

"Mama, what time does the store stay up til?"

In Other News

* I finally renewed my drivers licence, which had expired in *cough* January *cough*. And for having my new mug on it, its...not a terrible picture. If anything it sort of looks like a regular old mediocre DMV photo, and not hey-whats-wrong-with-her-face?

* I have been hitting the doctors offices again. Saw the allergist and got poked one hundred and twenty times (I took a photo!) Turns out I am allergic to most grasses and one tree, but nothing that should obviously be interfering with my sleep. Got a GP who gave me meds for my bronchitus (including an inhaler, which is my new best friend,) a referral to a neurologist for the burning in my hands and wrists, some paperwork to get my thyroid checked out, and poked at a lump in my abdomen (should be surgically removed at some point as it will just get bigger, but does not have to happen any time soon.) I also saw the sleep speciallist who broached the idea that I may actually need to go back on - or should at least try - being back on the CPAP. To which I promptly burst into tears all over her, and Mags -who had been dragged along on the appointment - crawled into my lap top try and make me feel better. That's all I'm going to really say about that right now. Denial is a fabulous thing.

* My DJ set several Friday nights ago went fine. Not great, not horrible. I ended up not doing the big band stuff as I just didn't have enough. Pieced together some other stuff. Mostly, I was just really tired, and was counting the minutes until it was over. Not my favorite genge either. However, I have been tapped to spin a poolside set at a big campiut for the same group in two weeks. I get to play fun, upbeat stuff, and its not a time of day when I would normally need to be sleeping, which is extra bonus good!

*I have been getting audio books from the library on a suggestion from my therapist that my mood might improve if my brain was distracted more, say, while I sit alone doing brainless sewing work. At first I kind of turned up my nose - audio books are for cheaters! But then I realized a) I hardly ever have/make time to read and b) really, I love good stories regardless of how I absorb them. And its been pretty good so far. I just finished a Bill Bryson book (surprise!) "A Short History of Nearly Everything, I believe. Fan-fucking-tastic, and I never would've finished the actual book (I tried.) And yes, it was also fan-fucking-tastic to not get spooled up about whatever problem du jour my brain had chosen for those days. The library doesn't have the best selection, but its a start. I also grabbed something ridiculous like 10 cds worth of kid stories in hopes that Mags will like some of the stories while we drive around. Do 5 year olds like Edgar Allan Poe? (kidding!! ) I'm currently slurping everything up onto my iPod so that I can return all these disks TODAY and avoid a $300 fine.

Got Me Another Job! And Some More Stress!

Just landed a job as the costumer for a production of Guys and Dolls at this theater. Per usual, I am both very excited....aaaaand crapping my pants. There are lots and lots of costumes to pull (read: not have to sew) at the theater already, which is fantastic, but there are something like 25+ cast members, and possibly twice that many costumes.

The show doesn't start til early September, which is good. A bit overwhelmed right now. Need more booze. The theater is really nice though, and the rest of the production folks seem very fun to work with.

Oh, and did I mention I applied for and got a job sewing costumes at this college in MA? I start mid October and the gig runs for a month. And then I go back out in March-ish for another month. Am looking forward to time spent with friends on that trip. :) Am also looking to not being in charge and just getting to turn my brain off at the end of each day!

I even *turned down* a job today. Nothing huge, mind you, and nothing that really *paid* much of anything. but it did sound like a fun job nonetheless. However, the clients wanted me to make the costumes without actually meeting them to get measurements (simply by measurements over email alone,) and would not even be in the state until two days before they needed the costumes. Busy schedule aside, I learned my lesson with that long distance sewing fiasco last year and will not ever try that again.

So, if you hear from me even less in the next, say, forever than you have already, its nothing personal. :)