Staring Down the Barrel of a (Hot Glue) Gun

Sometimes your mind can be so open that your brain falls out.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Sleep Solution?

Dare I dream? Literally?

Thanks to everyone for the kind comments re: sleeping. Even virtual hugs are helpful during this. But I think I may have stumbled onto something...

So, me on the big smoothie kick. I've still been doing it, at least 5x a week. Still working pretty good for me, minus the blaoting (another post.) About a week ago, I accidentally went two days in a row where I forgot to take my morning vitamins/supplements with said smoothie. I actually slept kind of decent by the second day. Feeling bad about missing my pills and such, I immediately got back on the wagon. Suddenly, my sleep went to shit again.

Being the astute person I am (sleep depravation card here), my brain sort of mulled this over for about a week before staggering to the conclusion that, hey, maybe there's some sort of connection. And do we still have cheese puffs in the cabinet?!?

So for the last two days I've had almost no extra anything pill-wise to help me feel better**. No multi vitamin, no B vitamins, no D-ribose. Thought I'd testthe theory that these energy boosters, even though taken before 9am every day, might still be in my system while I'm trying to sleep. Not changing any of the other variables: still avoiding napping during the day, still no caffeine, still going to bed around 10ish. And the results?

Well, I haven't been crashing nearly as hard in the afternoons. Still tired by bed time, but able to mostly function through the evening. Feeling less foggy, although still some of that. But the best part is the sleeping. Two nights ago I only remember waking up 3-4 times, and last night, I have no recollection of waking up at ALL! Wonder of wonders! Still a bit tired in the morning, but not dear-god-kill-me kind of tired. More of a normal blech-is-it-really-morning? tired.

So I'm going to keep this up for another couple of weeks I think, to really see if I can notice a trend line, or a lack of one. Then may start adding things back one at a time - oh so slowly - to see if there's another change back in the Bad Sleeping direction. I'm twitching a little bit because I am so used to taking a vitamin and am trying so hard to get healthy that I feel like I am hurting myself by NOT taking one, but if it is the culprit, good bye vitamins! Same goes for the supplements!

If this is what the problem turns out to be, I've got some conflicting feelings about it. Immediately the 'I'm-an-idiot-for-doing-it-to-myself' though leaps in, but amazingly I'm not wallowing in it. If it turns out to be true, well then yes, idid kind of shoot myself in the foot, but I did it by trying to add things that were good for me, and who don't have this effect on 98% percent of the rest of the population (that I know of.) So I can't really beat myself up, 'cause who knew? Mostly I have this growing sense of relief that I may have figured out what is going on. Oh god, please let me have figured out what is going on!

Keep your fingers crossed for me!!

** still taking the glucosamine, and a probiotic for the bloating. Both of which I started after the sleep problems started.

Friday, February 20, 2009

"Good News!", Part 2

All things are relative. Including the phrase 'good news'.

For example, when I was at the doctor's office. I sat in the with the main surgeon and his assistant (Dr. S., who I like much better.) The surgeon pulled out my file and basically told me that the results from the sleep study were back; according to the results I no longer have obstructive sleep apnea, or sleep apnea at all. Normal sleep is 5 episodes per hour (everyone wakes up SOMEtime while they are sleeping,) and that my number was three. So, while I may still not be sleeping great, at least I have the health benefits of not having apnea,like reduced risk of heart disease and heart attacks, etc., etc. Do I have any questions?

I had basically turned to stone in my chair by this point, but I did managed to squeak out, "Yeah, then why do I still sleep like ASS?!"

He went on to explain that for some people, even after they have the surgery they still ave sleep issues, and that I'd probably have to see some sort of sleep specialist who would work with me on my sleep hygeine: things like not napping during the day, or drinking caffeine after certain hours of the day, or not usig the computer or tv right before bed, or avoiding alcohol, etc.

Thats when my eyes started to well up. Because I already do that stuff. And here was this stiff guy who was obviously just rattling off his routine list. I mean, I get that his job was to perform surgery on my jaw to make my airway clear and he did that, and for all intents and purposes he was sucessful. But really, at that point I WANTED to hear that I needed more work - my tonsils, my legs, ANYTHING! - just so that I had something else to hold on to, some reason that I was still sleeping poorly, even if that meant it wasn't quite over. But instead I was kind of given a 'clean bill of health' as it were.

The surgeon wrapped up and headed out of the office. I was left with Dr S. I do love that man. He actually paused to acknowledge that I was really upset, and tried to get me to not give up hope. He started talking about different avenues that could be tried. He started flipping throug hmy file to make sure there was something he hadn't missed. He admitted that he expected me to be sleeping much better that I was with the results I had from the test. He offered to ask the technician to rerun the results. He was going to personally call a great sleep doctor he knew who he felt could really be of help. Really, he was kind of there for me when I needed it. He even got me kleenex while I wept.

I pulled myself together enough to make it through the lobby without embarassing myself and got to the truck. Per instructions I called Husband with the results, who was floored when he heard what I had to tell him. He had been so sure it was tonsils; we'd rip those out easy peasy, and then all would be well. He even offered to cancel some meetings and come home if I wanted him to, which was very sweet. Mostly though he just listened to me sob.

I ended up going to lunch with My friend Joj instead; I hadn't seen her in a few weeks, and I knew sitting at home alone after my news would be a Bad Idea. We were hanging out and chatting, and I started talking about something that to me was Good(ish) News. (For the record, I also thought it was something she already knew about.) Unfortunately, I accidentally made her cry and really hurt her feelings pretty bad (can I just say how incredibly unintentional that was?!?)

Between the news of the morning and the last straw of hurting one of my best friends, I kind of shut down emotionally. I basically aborted lunch, went straight home, and slept for 4 hours. I figured I'd probably sleep like ass that night anyhow, and it was better than stepping in front of a bus. I didn't wake up until after 6.

Later that night, I went to Jojs house, in a much better frame of mind to talk about stuff. But really, I left that conversation feeling like the damage had been done, and that our relationship isn't going to be quite the same ever again. And not in a good way. So I went home to sleep on it. For whatever good that does me these days.

Random Thoughts

As I walked into the doctor's office the other day: "Holy crap! I totally forgot to put on underwear today!"

Even more random: "I'm glad I'm wearing pants!"

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

"Good News!", Part A

"Good news!" my surgeon cried on the message. "Give me a call back so I can tell you in person!"

It seems as though my test results from my most recent sleep study are back. The test was about two weeks ago. The message? From a week ago. Just got it last night (what can I say? I left my phone charger in WI and had to get my shit together enought to go but another one!)

So. Apparently there is good news. I have mixed feelings about this. Like, how can he say good news? I still sleep like ass. Good news as in they've figured out what the problem is and can fix it? Again? Good news to me is, Here! Take this magic pill once and it will all be fixed! I am doubtful that will be what he tells me today. Good news to me is not, are you ready for your next surgery?

And I also have this fear that he will tell me that my test results came back great. That this'll all start slipping and sliding down that 'psychosomatic' path like when they were trying to figure out why I felt icky last time (tumor.) Or worse yet that this is the best I'll ever get.

But I am guessing. I trust my doctor, and he's never blown sunshine up my ass to date. In fact, I trust him so much I chose to stay with him even when it meant we'd be out of our insurance plan and this would all cost more. Guess the least I can do is extend that trust for another hour, eh?

I'm scared. I want this to be done.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Speaking of Stupid...

Mags has a new favorite things! And its name is... chapter books!

More specifically, its name is Junie B. Jones, the book series. I've managed to score most of the 20+ book set from the thrift store over the months - starting when she was, oh, still a babe in arms - 'cause they looked like a good bet. At the beginning of the series, we meet Junie, who is just starting kindergarten. It seemed like a good idea.

And Mags LOVES them! They don't have a lot of pictures, but she has been totally sucked into them. Husband and I have read and reread the first two 80+ page books at least three times each this weekend alone. Mags demands that we read nothing else. She giggles and chortles and squeals with laughter through the whole thing. Because...

Junie B. Jones is filled with Bad Words. Yes, our 5 year old heroine has got a bit of a bad attitude, and loves using words like 'stupid' and 'dumb' and 'I hate...'. Granted, she is not hurtling epitaphs and racial slurs, nor do I think its terribly off base for the author to assume kids this age like to use those kinds of words. But if those are the kinds of words that really aren't allowed in your house, then we've got a bit of a conundrum. Because suddenly these ARE the kinds of words that are being used in our house, ya dig?

We've had to have several talks with Mags already about the frequency with which these words are now being used by our own Junie imposter. And I'm torn - Mags has always enjoyed book time, but has never absolutely demanded that we read to her this much. Plus she's sitting through 80+ page books (granted, double spaced, but still!) which has got to be good practice for really getting into reading on her own and more chapter books, and I figure exposure to a kindergarten setting through boks can only help prepare her for the real thing which'll be starting this fall (gulp!) But really, she's latched onto the whole negative 5 year old stereotype pretty strongly.

I'm hoping if Husband and I keep explaining that its not ok to use those words like that with us and that Junie does/says a bunch of things that are funny in the books but maybe not so nice in real life that this will eventually calm down and be less of a Big Deal. I really want Mags to continue to enjoy books, and I don't want to have to tack a lecture onto the end of each one, but if this keeps going, I may have to give the Junie B. books a Time Out.

You Are Getting Very Sleepy...

I've long had suspicion that one of the reasons I am often so stressed out is because of the sleep deprivation. Yes, there are the obvious struggles; constantly running to appointments, the uncertainty, the anger, etc etc., but I'm talking about something different.

I think my body keeps itself in a semi-permanent stressed mode on purpose so that I just don't fall asleep while standing there. Today, for example. I have acupuncture again this afternoon like I do every week. And I'm betting like I almost always do, I'm going to fall asleep - regardless of the fact that my facial muscles are tic-tic-ticking away - just because I am being forced to lie prone and quietly. Relaxing. And today I sat down with a book that discussed the technique of deep breathing and three-minute meditation techniques. Yep, I was out by about breath number four. Relaxed myself right into unconsciousness - AND this was after 10 hours of sleep* AND my usual fistful of daily vitamins and supplements to help me stay awake.

Yep, I bet my brain is physically making me stay awake most of the time. Stupid, hyper-responsible, pesky ole BRAIN.

*And per usual, I mean my usual sleep-with-constant-wakenings.

Monday, February 16, 2009

What Do *You* Think It Means?

I got an email from someone tonight that contained nothing but the letters EOM in the subject line. Nothing in the body at all. Assuming, nay, knowing this person doesn not particularly like me, would I be safe to assume this is some sort of dig that is just flying over my head?


Tuesday, February 10, 2009



I had all sorts of secret plans, and all I was doing was trying to get together a NAME for my fucking sandwich, and registration completely filled up! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!

I even spent all of last night making homemade Portuguese Sweet Bread for my sammie! FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY! (* bread is not hard to make, and involves a lot of sitting around watching movies, but still.)

I am incredibly disappointed! I was SOOO looking forward to participating in the sheer silliness of it. Plus I was feeling really proud of myself for trying something new - cooking, fer god's sake!

Wow. I am blown away with disappointment. I even had not one but TWO good names (thank you, friends.)

Le sigh. I've put myself on the waiting list on the off off chance that someone else cancels. Now I'm going to go burn an offering to the grilled cheese gods (god knows I can burn grilled cheese when I put my mind to it,) and hope for the best.

Librarians are Fine People

I dashed into the library today while on an errand running-burst to pay a late fee I knew was simmering there.

"Can I help you?"
"Yes, I have a fine to pay." Library card exchanges hands. A pause.
"That'll be $83.50"

For the record, the New Webster's dictionary does not make such a fantastic tome for fanning a prone person. For starters, its weight makes it very hard on the wrists when swinging back and forth, and secondly it tends to cause a nervous reaction when hovering a mere 4" above the face of someone who is only just returning to the conscious masses.

Whether out of kindness or an attempt to avoid a lawsuit, the kindly librarian reduced the charge down to a mere $40, as I had in fact returned all of the materials. Rising unsteadily to my feet, I recalled why number of purchases on had been so abundant in the past. Its just cheaper for me to flat out buy things than have to pay said ridiculous - if not self-inflicted - fees.

P.S. Title pun not intended, but I'm feeling pretty witty regardless.

Offspring Story of the Day

Mags new favorite movie: Mary Poppins.

A few encounters we have had recently, humbly submitted for your approval...

* Whilst at a Chuck E. Cheese birthday party: Mags comes running up to me, her cup of tokens empty. "Mom! Mom! Can I have some more tuppence?"

* After having her broken umbrella replaced with a new one: "Its ok that this isn't like Mary Poppin's umbrella, mama. You can keep looking."

Monday, February 09, 2009

Good News! (Kinda...)

Last week I applied for another small, temporary sewing gig on Craigslist. I didn't hear anything back, and as the post was almost a week old when I found it, I wasn't terribly surprised.

However, I got an email back today. Apparently, my resume is perfect! Great! And also apparently, the position has already been filled. Not so great. But, the guy said he'd save my resume for the next job coming up in August. So at least I've got that going for me.

Also, there's an upcoming event this March with a local community I belong to (you know who you are, hippies!) that I have volunteered to work a position for that - how sad - requires me to be in costume. Guess I'll have to get myself in gear and bang something out then, won't I? You know, for the portfolio. (Definitely not for any kind of personal satisfaction in being able to dress up or use a weak excuse to go shopping. No. NEVER.)

Job Hunting

Well, like nearly 10% of our population, I too am looking for a job. 1) to make moohlah, 2) to get experience, and 3) to-get-myself-out-of-the-fucking-house-before-I-kill-again!! (pant, pant, pant) But I'm stuck. True, there aren't a lot of folks looking for costume stitchers right now, but I still can't seem to send out resumes because of the Dreaded Cover Letter.

Boy, am I bad at these. I have sort of a generic one I made in one of my pretend classes at school, and it's ok, but it still reads very stiff. And right now, I'm trying to apply to a job that has no actual openings. How in the hell do you write a cover letter for a company that isn't actually hiring without sounding like you're begging?!? Plus, it was suggested to me that I apply to this job by someone who used to work there, so then there's the delicate game of, well, name dropping, for lack of a better term. Now I'm old enough to finally get that many if not most jobs are acquired through who you know, but it still makes me uncomfortable. Just not my personality at all.

So, I've got Husband on the line and he is proof reading for me. I've been dragging my feet for weeks now, and I really just need to get this sent off if its gong to happen. Figers crossed!

Friday, February 06, 2009

This is the Age of Asparagus

There was a big sale on asparagus at the store the other day. Only $1.50/lb, which is pretty damned good. So I bought 6 lbs. Turns out you can't just freeze it as is, but must first gently blanche it in boiling water for no more than 3 minutes before plunging it into an icy pool of freezing water. Then each stalk must be individually and gently pat dry lest its feelings get hurt, and then must be carefully ensconsed inside a plastic freezer bag, where all life giving oxygen must be sucked out.

Guess it wasn't really that big a deal when it was all said and done, plus I have a freezer full of asparagus now, but it was a bit unexpected. And now my pee stinks.

Next entry: We've got the Beet.

Wednesday, February 04, 2009


"It is a beautiful and terrible thing, and should therefore be treated with great caution."

A. Dumbledore